


Waterfall braid

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, discussion of body- and self-image, perception of gender roles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 05:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17954783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: sometimes, Flo wonders if she knows how to be a woman





	Waterfall braid

**Author's Note:**

> big thank you to [lilactreesinwinter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilactreesinwinter/pseuds/lilactreesinwinter) for betaing <3

  
Her hand is warm. That’s the first thing she notices, the warm wetness of the inside of her palm, as if Dan has been clenching her fists for the whole evening. It’s endearing, somehow, knowing that she might be a little bit scared too, even though the fear doesn’t show up in any other way. Her eyes are glossy, and she’s smiling gently most of the time. She talks loudly and with confidence, she touches her hair and gestures in a way she must know is seductive.

Flo doesn’t really know how to do that. She tucks one annoying strand of hair behind her ear every time she doesn’t know what to do with her hands, which is often. It isn’t meant to be flirtatious, it’s a nervous tick that she picked up years ago, and usually she doesn’t even notice that she’s doing it. Today is different. She’s hyper-aware of her body in a way that is becoming exhausting. Her back is straight, muscles in her stomach tight, all just to keep up with a way of sitting that doesn’t seem natural to her. When they’re both silent, she tries to have a slight smile on her face, but it feels weird, not adequate, like she’s a puppet. She holds onto it anyway, onto this mask, because she’s been told so many times that she has a resting bitch face, that she makes the impression of a rude person, and she doesn’t want to seem rude, not on her first date with Dan.

The touch seems to silence the intrusive thoughts, even if for a moment. She’s still sat there like a stone, unmoving, but now her focus is on their two hands clasped together. She looks down and notices that Dan’s hand is a bit bigger than hers. She notices the contrast between Dan’s naturally long black nails and her own which are short and bare. There’s this little worry that arises in her, that maybe she should try harder to attract someone like Dan, even though the fact that Dan is holding her hand totally contradicts her concern. Flo wants to impress her, wants to show – somehow – that she isn’t trying to distance herself, that she’s just scared, and she’s sometimes acting weird because she can’t help it, and she doesn’t wear nail polish because she doesn’t like the feeling of it, and that’s the only reason. She notices that her thoughts are becoming ridiculous, but she doesn’t know what to do about it, and that’s when Dan’s thumb starts gently caressing the top of her hand. The sensation brings her back to the physical world again, and for a moment, everything is as it should.

She likes Dan. She’s drawn to her more than to anyone else, and she genuinely enjoys being with her, even if for now it’s somewhat a challenge. It’s like she’s a bit drunk, she doesn’t see anyone but her, there’s nothing else that counts except for this touch.

The fact that they are in public doesn’t make it scary. It’s probably an illusion that if she doesn’t pay attention to other people, others can’t see her either, but she doesn’t care about that right now.

“You good?” Dan asks, so quietly that the words come out whispery, so different from the way she was talking just a moment ago.

Flo doesn’t dare to say anything, but she nods and grips Dan’s hand a bit tighter.

  
*  
  


She’s been staring at herself longer than reasonable. Analysing the bone structure of her face, thinking about the proportions. It all makes her wish she were an architect, maybe then she’d have an eye for such things. Is her nose too big or are her eyes too small? Maybe if she were a painter, she could transfer her features onto paper and then fix them.

Her thoughts aren’t always like this. Sometimes she thinks that her body is amazing, and sometimes she hates it. Maybe it’s hormones that cause these switches, maybe it’s some weird duality of her brain, maybe it depends on how much time she spends looking at people’s retouched pictures on Instagram – she doesn’t know. But she must deal with it, somehow.

  
*

  
“Anything interesting?” Dan leans in to look at the laptop, and her hair tickles Flo’s bare shoulder. Maybe she should be used to it, but she wiggles a little anyway. Her gaze is glued to her Twitter page, where she’s asked people for questions for her Q&A. It isn’t that late yet, but she’s tired, and she would go to bed if she hadn’t promised herself that she’d choose the tweets today. Dan’s presence doesn’t really help her focus.

“People just wanna know why we spell Dani and Florrie differently,” she says correcting her glasses. Dan lets out a gagging noise in response.

“It’s been what – three years?” Dan pretends she’s exasperated.

“Well, we’ve only ever answered it on Twitter. And it was long ago, before all the new people came. And I don’t even remember if the answer was true.”

Dan grunts and lays her head on Flo’s lap, almost crushing her MacBook.

“Hey!” is the only response Flo’s tired brain can come up with, but she doesn’t tell Dan to get off her, she just places the laptop aside. For some reason, she’s much more lenient towards herself when Dan is around. She might as well choose the questions tomorrow, she decides, looking down at Dan who meanwhile has settled herself in a comfortable position.

“How are you gonna answer that?” Dan’s eyes shine with some sort of challenge as she says it, and Flo rolls her eyes at the obvious teasing.

They have a reason for why they’ve named their joint channel “Dani and Florrie”, and at the same time they don’t. They figured that Danice and Florence would be too long, too formal. They almost always call each other Dan and Flo in the videos, but when they started the channel, they thought it would look too awkward, somehow suggesting that Dan is a man. Now Flo thinks that this reasoning was rather ridiculous but is careful to not bring it up when it’s not necessary. It’s still weird for her to talk about it. She thinks for a moment, tries to come up with something lighter.

“Well,” she says, moving her hand toward Dan’s forehead to brush the hair off it, “if I wrote it as f-l-o-r-i, it would be like a short name for Florida.”

Dan closes her eyes, and her hand wanders to her face in a way that seems completely involuntary, as if sometimes facepalming is the only way to deal with Flo. “Have you ever heard someone referring to Florida as Flori?” she asks slowly.

“Well, maybe some people do,” Flo answers, and giggles when Dan rolls her eyes. “Gosh. People want a reason, so I give them a reason.”

“Floridians are quaking right now.”

They don’t talk for a moment. Flo caresses Dan’s hair and massages her scalp, when a concept crosses her mind.

“Imagine what would be if my parents called me Philadelphia.”

She is more than happy when she gets a heartfelt laugh from Dan.  

  
*

  
Flo has been experimenting with her hair since she was young. She accidentally made herself a redhead, and she spent a great part of her life having emo hair – black, with asymmetrical partitions and a fringe covering the right side of her face.

Looking at herself now is still weird. She feels more confident, and – in her opinion – looks prettier without the fringe and long thinned hair. The strands look much healthier now that they don’t even reach past her shoulders. Still, she needs at least a few days to get used to it.

She’s always been a basic girl. Hair straightened or tied, wearing black jeans and t-shirts or flannel, usually no makeup, except for the videos, and then nothing heavy or outstanding. Sometimes, when she scrolls through the pictures on her phone or looks in the mirror, she thinks that if not for the hair, she’d look like a teenage boy. Some people would say that it’s good, because at least she doesn’t look old, other people would say that it’s a shame that she isn’t feminine enough. Flo doesn’t really have a distinct opinion.

Her thoughts fluctuate. Her self-image barely even exists. People would probably be surprised to hear that, because her look seems so consistent, nothing ever changes. They don’t know how much she struggles with what others consider to be little things, like wearing something with glitter on it. She often asks Dan for reassurance. When they go out, she needs multiple confirmations that she looks alright, and she secretly wishes that choosing what to put on was easier for her.  

It’s hard to not compare herself to Dan sometimes. Dan wears everything. From dresses to suits, designer clothes to expensive pyjamas, men’s shoes and ties, and tight shirts made of lace. Flo couldn’t do it. She has her own boundaries that seem to be too hard to cross, and she isn’t even willing to do that. She doesn’t like dresses and she’d never wear anything inherently manly, the list of things she wouldn’t do could probably go on forever. Even though Dan always tells her that it’s okay, she can’t help feeling guilty sometimes.

  
*

  
“Do you think I could, like, look more sexy?” she says as they are laying in the bed, theoretically getting ready to sleep. Practically, Flo is feeling uneasy, and she knows she’ll be having trouble to drift off. Evening ponderings are always the worst.

“Oh, that’s definitely impossible.”

Flo laughs, a bit against herself. “That’s not what I meant.”

Dan first gazes at her, then gets closer, so that she can put her arm around Flo’s waist. “What did you mean?”

Flo thinks that she’ll be forever grateful for having a girlfriend willing to listen to the products of her musings at almost any time. “I thought of maybe, I don’t know, trying out different clothes? Something from outside my comfort zone?” she mumbles, trying to ignore how silly these words sound to her, now that they have left her mouth.

“You can do that,” Dan doesn’t hesitate even for a moment to give Flo this gentle encouragement. Her voice sounds honest enough to believe her.

  
*

  
Flo doesn’t think that looking appealing to the majority is the default that everyone should try to follow. There are so many things that the freedom of deciding for yourself gives you. You can melt into the background or you can stand out, you can try to express your personality through the clothing, or you can decide not to give anything away.

It took her a long time to fully understand that.

Now, whenever she looks at Dan, she tries to decipher her mood. Mostly just for fun, because it’s a flawed technique. Does wearing a onesie have a different meaning than wearing a tracksuit, or even a flower dress? Possibly. Maybe not really.

Dan’s sense of fashion is difficult to explain, even harder to make sense of. It has changed over the years, and it’s never truly predictable.

And that’s beautiful.

  
*

  
“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“When we get married, I’d want to wear a dress.”

“Okay,” Dan says bluntly and only then looks away from her laptop. Her gaze is soft when she stares at Flo. It’s not a surprise.

The short answer is surprising though. Flo feels a bit silly suddenly, because a part of her has been expecting that the world would turn upside down after sharing this revelation. She imagined Dan’s expression, her saying  _ but you hate wearing dresses _ or maybe even a chaffy  _ I won’t be the one to wear a suit _ , followed with a laugh and some banter. She doesn’t get any of it. Maybe Dan knows how to sense her insecurities.

“But I don’t think I would wanna wear heels,” Flo speaks out again, trying to move the subject a bit further.

This time Dan laughs. “Good, cause you’d be dead before the vows.”

Flo doesn’t really know how to respond, so they share a moment of simply looking at each other. She feels like Dan is trying to psyche her out, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all.

“And if you think,” Dan says eventually, “that I’m going to manly carry you over the threshold if you break a leg, you’re wrong.”

Flo smiles anyway, trying to imagine that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/183126765548/waterfall-braid)


End file.
